Welcome to the 2017 Abby’s Lane Dysfunctional Holiday Guide: Our Favorite Things for Time Spent with Our Least Favorite People. Here you’ll find a collection of goods that will help you survive the holidays. Maybe … well, you’ll probably survive but all these jerks you’re forced to make merry with??? Remains to be seen …
So pull up a questionably aged slice of fruit cake, throw all the kids (even the sick baby!) into the minivan for an 8 hour drive through the worst traffic of the year and gather around the poorly ventilated yule log that is seriously aggravating the toddler’s asthma, because Abby’s Lane has got your Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus/WHY DO WE DO THIS EVERY YEAR covered.
Silikids Go Sili Coffee Cup (14.95). These reusable coffee cups are bright and cheerful, just like you’re pretending your soul is. You will totally impress the Starbucks barista when you have your white chocolate mocha made into one of these (actually, speaking as a former barista, you absolutely will not. You will likely annoy her because the drink sticker doesn’t stick to the silicone and she needs finish up her world lit final and she’s only supposed to be working 25 hours a week to qualify for health insurance so why DOES SAM KEEP SCHEDULING HER FOR 30+ WEEKS). Or booze. You can totally put booze in these too and no one setting up for the PTO Staff Appreciation breakfast will know.
Bumblito Bee Covered ($28.00). These handy covers elegantly shield baby from all kinds of danger this holiday season: strong gusts of Arctic air, the thick layer of grime on the Target shopping cart that must smell like candy canes judging by how fiercely your baby wishes to lick it, and even those too long stares from your husband’s kind-of-pervy uncle while you’re breastfeeding.
Re-Play Snack Stackers ($7.25). You can use these to pack nutritious snacks for your children while you’re out running holiday errands to keep them fed, happy and cooperative but that probably won’t work and they’ll be ungrateful little demons regardless, so grab of few of these to throw in your bag when you leave the house for cookie theft. You’re going to be at a lot of places giving out free cookies, more cookies than you can possibly eat in one sitting, so go all little old lady on those cookies and fill your purse up with cookie-smuggling snack stackers. Even if your Aunt Maureen is one of the most bitter, dour women to ever walk the face of the earth, her snickerdoodles are amazing and you will need to take full advantage of that.
Bumblito Headband ($10.00). These fashionable headbands not only cover baby’s head but, if positioned correctly, they can block baby’s ears as well which will be especially useful as the unpleasant sounds of the season arrive. That fire storm of F-Bombs you’re saving up for when your sister-in-law turns her nose up at yet ANOTHER carefully selected gift? Yeah, you’ll probably want to protect the baby’s ears from that. Two hour “beginner” piano recital with 40 kids? Have a heart, protect the poor sweet baby from that torture. Six year old has watched the Mariah Carey Christmas special 8 times in the past 36 hours? No baby should have to suffer that. Cover those ears up!
Ju-Ju-Be SuperBe ($60.00). SuperBe is a useful, big bag with fashionable prints for the busy mom on the go. It’s also a lifesaver for the “oh crap” method of packing for holiday travel. Let’s say that you have to leave in a narrow 45 minute window to avoid hours of traffic on the way to Grandma’s and you’ve totally spaced on packing for one of the kids and you really can’t remember if you packed underwear or a nightgown or OMG your menstrual cup and the clock is ticking. This bag is here to save the day. It’s giant and unstructured and perfectly suited for running around the house throwing every pair of underwear and child sized socks you see, all while screaming “GO TO THE BATHROOM AND GET IN THE CAR NOW NOW NOW!!!!” at the top of your lungs. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when you reach your destination 14 hours later and you find all the unnecessary underwear, half chewed cookies BUT CRAP NO ADVIL that you were able to fit in this bag.
Fat Brain Toys Squigz ($6.00 – $49.95). If it’s a large family gathering and alcohol is served, you can count on me and my “fun” brother in law to get pleasantly toasted. We’re gonna need a kid’s toy that is fun, not annoying and easily lends itself to pretending to be goats chasing the nieces and nephews through the house. Squigz are totally that toy. Fun for children sure, but also adults drinking to avoid decades old familial resentments, these “fun little suckers” are a great gift to bring to any dysfunctional holiday gathering.
CJ’s BUTTer Quick Stick ($13.00) . Many families have cherished memories of spending times outdoors. Oh, unless you live somewhere cold, windy and miserable. In which case, you’ll be too busy fielding complaints that every inch of exposed skin is a hot chapped mess. Throw in some overuse of an indoor electric furnace, and even your preschooler will be rocking some 95 year old iguana skin. Some nice, intensive moisture is just what you all need. I recommend All Natural Mango, Sugar, Mint because it smells like a wonderful imaginary ice cream flavor and will remind you of the warm, tropical island where you wish you were spending the month of December.
XOXO Baby Carrier ($120-$180). One of the joys of having a baby is sharing first holidays with loved ones. One of the terrors of having a baby is exposing baby to the collective of germs of cousins with questionable hygiene, first grade Christmas pageants and random mall Santas. Protect against grabby strangers and sloppy toddler kisses by wearing baby close in an XOXO carrier. The innovative buckle wrap is super easy to use, but looks like a complicated wrap job so people think your baby is in lock down and will not try to penetrate her fortress. Bonus points because you can spread the strap out to cover baby’s head and your breast and people might just assume you’re always breastfeeding her and stay far, far away.
Lunette Menstrual Cup ($39.99). Because you can take a look at your December calendar and pick the busiest, most hectic day and be 99.9% sure that your period is going to arrive that day. Do yourself a favor and just pop the cup in now so you don’t have to think about it again until January (*actually, bad advice, don’t do this but you can pop it in on the day you expect your period). Being responsible for all the holiday traditions and memories is stressful enough, you don’t need to worry about your period too.
Saranoni XL blanket ($99.00). For when they kids are passed out clutching that perfect gift (or empty box as the case might be), all the events have been attended, all the familial obligations met and you get a minute to rest and appreciate how freaking magical you made this holiday, you deserve to cuddle up with a nice blanket.